Fried Grouper
No.143: January 20, 2023
Welcome to The Square Inch, a Friday newsletter on Christianity, culture, and all of the many-varied “square inches” of God’s domain. This publication is free for now, but please consider clicking on the button at the bottom to become a paid subscriber to enjoy this along with Monday’s “Off The Shelf” feature about books and Wednesday’s “The Quarter Inch,” a quick(er) commentary on current events.
Dear Friends,
I am enjoying a respite for a couple of days with some longtime friends in Peachtree City, Georgia so I will make this a bit shorter and lighter than usual. The weather is a lot warmer than Montana, and yesterday we dined on an outdoor patio in January—amazing!—and I got more sun than I’ve had in months. Thankfully, I didn’t get too sunburned.
A funny thing happened at the restaurant. A nicely dressed black guy addressed me in the restroom and said, “Hey man. What’s good to eat at this place?”
As kindly as I could, I told him that he needed to stop with the latent white supremacy. Why was he presuming that I, a white man, have superior knowledge of the menu at a fancy restaurant, or that my palate should be the one against which all others should judge the quality of a dish? Is that a subtle sign of a deep inferiority complex? Did he feel uncomfortable making his own decisions? He felt the need to ask a white dude what to order? What a sick world, I said. White hegemony is oppressive and everywhere, I told him, and I urged him to be more proactively antiracist and to stop giving aid and comfort to the stereotypes of the white patriarchy.
Okay, not really.
I said, “I just ate the fried grouper sandwich, and it was really good!”
He replied, “Fried grouper? Thanks, man!”
And we parted as equals and friends. I prefer living in that world than the one our progressive betters wish to create.
A big controversy erupted this week in the world of conservative media. A YouTube pundit by the name of Steven Crowder was recently offered a contract with a large conservative media company. Crowder didn’t like the terms of the contract, and so he took to the Internet with a video complaining about and mocking the offer. Apparently, he was pretty insulted.
It turns out that the offer was from The Daily Wire. CEO Jeremy Boreing took to the Internet with his own hour-long video explaining the contract he’d offered to Crowder and how Crowder had completely misunderstood some of its terms. He also informed the world of this little tidbit that Crowder had somehow neglected to mention:
The contract offer was for $50 Million over four years.
Oh. Is that all?
Dear Mr. Jeremy Boreing,
My name is Brian Mattson and I am something of a public intellectual, a credentialed theologian, and sometimes political pundit. I would very much like to work for you for the next four years. You can have me for ten cents for every dollar you offered Mr. Steven Crowder.
Sincerely,
Brian Mattson
Okay, now that that’s over with, I have a few thoughts. First off, I went into the wrong profession, economically speaking. Second, what in the world is the attraction to Louder With Crowder that his show is worth $50 Million? I cannot fathom it. I mean, good for him. I don’t begrudge a guy success, but I am failing to see fifty million dollars worth of “value-add” to our society. Third, if fifty mil is insulting to Crowder, just how much money is he currently raking in?
Ah, but here is the real question: would I very much like to work for The Daily Wire? I mean, for $50 Million I could do pretty much anything (within moral limits) for four years, but I’ll be honest: that would be a difficult gig. I would have to wake up every day asking myself, “How can I own the libs today?” I would have to root through mainstream media to find some juicy bit of media bias or double standards—not hard, I know, but a job that lacks a challenge would be pretty boring. I would have to stoke outrage from my audience on a constant basis. I would have to care about every newest outrage dumpster-fire on an hourly basis. Look, I know people have to make a living, but that would drive me absolutely insane.
I don’t think it is worth even fifty million dollars. So in that respect, Crowder is probably right. Only differences between him and me is that (1) he already lives his life doing that schtick, and (2) he got the opportunity to do it for fifty million.
And truthfully, I really value my independence. Being tied to a conservative advocacy organization usually—not always—brings with it a lot of expectations to simply hawk the party line.
Not that I have anywhere to go, but I think I’ll stay right where I’m at. I may only be able to monetize The Square Inch Newsletter at something like less than one ten-thousandth of one percent of what Steven Crowder’s show is worth, but I am happy.
My friend Caleb is twelve. I’ve known him since birth, and he has autism. What a joy to see him settled here in Georgia and thriving at a wonderful private school with expertise and resources to help children with special needs. God is so good!
Last night he treated me to a recitation of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and I was profoundly moved. Not just the fact that Caleb was reciting it for me, but … when was the last time you read or listened to that speech? It is stirring, and thanks to Mr. Lincoln’s brevity I can reproduce it here and my newsletter will still be shorter than usual. Read it closely:
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Our nation is being convulsed again in our day. So many on the left and the right want to burn it to the ground. It is a Civil Cold War—cold, for now. It remains for us, the living, to be dedicated to the unfinished work of which Lincoln speaks. That we might have a new birth of freedom, and that our classically liberal nation and government might not perish from the earth.
To that end I shall continue to work.
Thanks for reading The Square Inch! Have a wonderful weekend.
Lincoln acknowledged the government had indeed already perished from the earth. Otherwise, he'd have not said "new birth".